Wife Prepares To Run Off With Husband's Best Man - Dear Abby (2024)

I had feelings for someone else ("Dennis") before I got married, but we were always in different relationships when we'd see each other. He was my husband's best man at our wedding, and they were friends for many years. He moved away and we had not seen each other for 25 years. Dennis and I recently reconnected, and when we first saw each other, it was like I was hit by a truck full of emotions.

Dennis makes me feel ways I never felt before. We have long talks about how much we missed each other. We can tell each other anything. I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life, but once again, things are complicated. I still live with my husband, although I'm in the process of moving out as soon as I can. Dennis has to take care of his mother and can't just walk off.

We want to be together. We have never done anything more than hug and share passionate kisses. George will be hurt, but should I keep putting my happiness last just to please someone else? When do I deserve to be happy? -- ABOUT TO FLEE

DEAR ABOUT TO FLEE: You have a right to be happy and so does George. Have you and Dennis been discussing marriage during any of those long talks? Does George know you are planning to move out and why? How does Dennis' mother (who is very much in the picture) feel about his romance with you? How do you plan to support yourself if your romance should not work out?

Be sure you have answers to these questions before you pack your bags, because if you don't, you may find you slammed the door on a satisfactory marriage to a man whose only flaw was that he wasn't Dennis.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband is dying of cancer. I got pregnant shortly before we divorced. I left him because he physically, psychologically and emotionally abused me. I never told him about his son. In fact, I lied and told him the child was someone else's. I did it to protect our child.

Now that my ex is dying, I feel guilty. He never had any other children. Should I tell him he has a son? -- FEELING GUILTY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: That's an interesting question. My first reaction is to let sleeping dogs lie. From your description of your ex-husband, he would have used the child as a pawn to further abuse you. However, you didn't mention whether your son knows who his father is. If he does, he might want to meet him before he expires. This is something only you can decide.

DEAR ABBY: My older brother has had a tumultuous marriage to a manipulative, alcoholic, just-plain-mean woman. It has been bad over their entire 40-year marriage, including her physically assaulting him.

He called the police the last time and had them take her away. She eventually kicked him out, and he went to stay at our younger brother's home. He later got a hotel room and was away from her for two weeks. Then he decided to save money by returning to the home but staying in their camping trailer.

She invited him in for dinner, was very nice and they got back together. Now she has given him an ultimatum, stating that my younger brother and I do not treat her like "family." So he called us and said he has to cut ties with us.

This is so disheartening. I told him I don't accept that -- he's my brother and was my protector when I was a kid -- but he said this is how it is. I am distraught. Our mom died five years ago, and our blood family is just the three of us. I don't want to lose my brother.

I always accepted his wife as the woman he chose to be with, regardless of her obnoxious behavior. I even used to call her weekly, only for her to always manage to say something mean-spirited toward me. I eventually decided the phone works both ways and stopped calling. We always went to every event she invited us to and have maintained a friendship with her children that my brother adopted.

I need your input on how to get through my loss, or how to remain in contact with my brother regardless. -- CONDITIONAL SIS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SIS: Your brother is a willing hostage in his abusive marriage. Because he has reunited with his abuser does not mean the cycle won't repeat itself. In other words, in time, he may be back. In the meantime, let him know you love him and will always be there for him should the need arise.

As for how to get through this painful period, stay busy. Do not give yourself time to sit and brood. Then make a point of counting all the blessings you have in your life and realize that, for the time being, your brother is where he wants to be.

DEAR ABBY: I was a member of a nonprofit group for a couple of years. The wife of the leader bought me an old upright piano, thinking I would use it in a church they were starting. I was grateful for the piano and have used it a lot. It's lovely.

The nonprofit disbanded and we no longer see these people. They haven't asked for it back or for any money. It would be a hardship to give them $200, and it seems like it was a gift. Do you think I need to give them $200? -- A GIFT IN THE WEST

DEAR GIFT: If your conscience is telling you to remind them you have the piano and ask if they wish to be compensated, then make the call. It may make you feel better. Because you were not asked to return it, it is possible they won't ask you for money. But if they do, try to work out an installment plan that won't cause you stress.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's family won't stop asking me when I'm going to quit my job and work for my husband. My mother-in-law worked for my father-in-law at their small business for pretty much her whole career. My husband recently bought his dad's business, which is going really well.

I have been ambitious in my own career, and I'm climbing the ladder at my corporate job. I adore my husband and we are both extremely proud of each other's careers. My salary equals what his company pulls in for revenue. We agree that I'm going to follow my own career path and that it would negatively impact our lifestyle if I quit my job.

How do I politely say to people that I'm not quitting my job without sounding like an unsupportive wife or full of myself? -- SURE OF MY DIRECTION

DEAR SURE: Assume that your in-laws mean well when they ask that question. When they inquire, smile and reply that you have no plans to retire, and your husband is in full agreement that you should continue on your career path. Then change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: A woman I've known and been friends with for 40 years has gradually changed. She has developed some health problems, and whenever she calls me, all she talks about are her ailments and treatments.

When we manage to discuss other things, she turns the subject to her political views, which are different from mine. I try to be noncommittal or change the subject, but it's getting harder and harder. I now cringe when I see her caller ID.

She has other friends, so I don't know why she dumps this stuff on me. I feel our friendship has run its course, and I'd like to end it with as little pain as possible. How can I do that? -- USED UP IN FLORIDA

DEAR USED UP: That shouldn't be too difficult. The next time you talk and she raises the subject of politics, speak up and tell her you not only don't agree but plan to vote for the candidate from the opposite political party. I'll bet she drops you like a hot potato.

DEAR ABBY: I have been slowly slogging through grad school, one course per semester. And now, after four long years, I'm finally going to graduate. I work in the industry I'm going to school for, and I'd like to invite some of my co-workers out to dinner to celebrate. While I'd love to foot the bill for everyone, I'm not financially able to do so.

How can I tactfully word the invitation so everyone knows I'm inviting them to a dinner, not treating them to one? I don't want anyone to be embarrassed due to assumed expectations. -- READY TO CELEBRATE

DEAR READY: A "formal" invitation may not be the way to go. Because this will be a casual no-host affair, there might be less confusion if you simply call your co-workers and explain you'd like to get together if they're interested in celebrating with you.